by Stephanie Hurovitz

I was originally planning to blog about what happened during tech for crooked. Then I got to thinking and the following seemed more entertaining. Here is my advice for the three characters in crooked:

Laney, let’s examine your choices for fictional relationships. Holden Caulfield for a boyfriend? Really? I can see where he appears a good choice at first glance: he reads a lot, he knows himself very well, he’s a good dancer, he thinks VERY highly of his little sister, and he knows how to properly punctuate an essay. Those are all good qualities, but not quite enough to balance out the fact that he is a compulsive liar. He readily admits that when it comes to lying, “Once I get started, I can go on for hours if I feel like it. Hours.” With your track record, there is NO WAY the two of you could possibly build a healthy relationship. Trust is key, and it would be completely lacking. Plus, you know how he feels about “phonies.” Some of your behavior would lead him to label you as such. Moving on to your fictional first kiss: Quentin Compson. Oy. That boy has so many issues stemming from his childhood that daily counseling sessions for MONTHS would barely scratch the surface. Getting caught “Frenching” him in the library would only add extra neuroses to that boy’s already full mental plate. The bottom line is that there are FAR better choices in literature for fake companions. (For the record, Laney, I agree with you 100% about Heathcliff.) Lastly, while she is not a fictional character, the relationship you created with Maribel IS fictional. You can’t claim a clueless, heterosexual, 16 year-old as your girlfriend…especially not without discussing the label with her first. I hate to break it to you, but your mom is 100% correct about everything on THAT front.

Elise, don’t go thinking you’re right about EVERYTHING, now. Let’s talk about a couple parenting points. Saying “Fine. Whatever.” and dismissing your daughter’s passions diminishes your status as a parent. When talking to a teenager, you can’t start talking LIKE one. It just doesn’t work…and it’s very unbecoming. It’s great that your credo is honesty, and that you don’t tell lies, but sometimes complete honesty with your children is NOT the way to go. Try keeping that in the back of your mind…always. And for the love of all that is holy in literature, hold your ground! You are continuously letting your child change the subject and derail you. You are the adult; stick to your guns. I give you much credit for the strides you take when a drunken outburst by your 14 year-old forces you to see her issues and finally talk about them. I truly hope you can keep up the progress in the days that follow.

Maribel,  At times I am envious of your complete belief in, and love for, G-D. That sort of blind faith can bring true happiness to a person. But it can also lead to blindness in other areas where it can be dangerous not to see. You believe that Jesus sees, and feels, and takes away, your pain. But that is so clearly not the case. Your psychological pain manifested itself physically and that is the first step down the path to self-mutilation (or the path to the clock tower w/ Earnest’s rifle where you sit and wait for Deedee Cummings to walk by). You need to see an experienced therapist. You need to get away from your preacher father and “you-know-what” of a mother. You need to learn who YOU are, and then, only then, will you be healed.